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Rivers & Roads Blog by Patty Inwood April 14th, 2015 began like any other day. It was a school day. I was up at 5 am, had my coffee, started all my routines to get ready for work. Went in to Luke’s room at 6:30 and gently shook his leg and told him it was time to rise and shine. There was no rumble of thunder or a voice from above saying – “Remember this…. this is the last time you are ever going to touch your son.” Sigh. If only…. Leaving the house that day is not in my memo

If today is your Day One, I am so very sorry. The pain is excruciating. I remember it well. I also remember questioning, every day, how...

Sunshine, Angels and Rainbows Blog by Sheri Roaf On the eve of the first year, I feel I still cannot talk to you. Rationally, I know that you’re gone, but I still can’t quite accept or understand it. If I can’t believe that you’re gone, how can I accept that it’s been a while year? While I lay here trying to come with grips that it has been 365 days since you’ve been gone, I’m reading your eulogy. I’m wondering how I keep you alive to my children, who are so young. I’m trying

Rivers and Roads Blog by Patty Inwood “You home/awake?” Now, when my phone goes off at 8:30 am it’s something. I confess I am not a phone person – it doesn’t live in my hand and I don’t check it a million times a day to make sure I am not missing anything going on in the world, lol. When I am home it sits in a basket on the counter in the kitchen. If I hear it ding I will wander over and see what is what. Usually. My close friends and family will tell you that’s probably an a

Rivers and Roads by Patty Inwood We are almost at the end, friends, of what I call the Rise and Fall of Luke Inwood. If you’ve been following along then you know our main character is in a desperate place. It is March 2015 and there is not much right going on in his world. He is failing high school. He is being tormented with d-halls up the wazoo. Luke is not gaming at his usual level after being let go in January. He dislikes his job. He really dislikes his nagging parents –

In the years since Benny died, I find it really hard to try to force myself to do something I don’t want to. In the early days it was honestly hard to do anything besides breathe. Getting up and living was about my limit. And that’s ok. Now I find that the amount of fucks (pardon my French) I have available on any given day is minimal. I’ve really been able to refocus on what actually serves me. And if it doesn’t, I’ve become pretty good at letting it go. It’s not always easy

Sunshines, Angels and Rainbows Blog by Sheri Roaf Well damn. Here it is. Every day of my life. Every little thought that something could go wrong. Some days are worse than others. When you’ve lost as many people as I have, maybe you’re just more aware of what can happen. The anxiety certainly doesn’t help though. The Fear Of Dying, Or Losing Loved Ones, Haunts Me Every Day Original Post https://sunshineangelsandrainbows.com/2020/06/18/end-of-the-world-thoughts/ #childloss #an

June 14, 2020 As always, these views are my own. Let’s just cut to the chase: Luke felt targeted by the administration at his high school. Now, read this carefully. I am not saying he was; I am saying this is how he felt. But as I always tell people- a child’s perception is all that matters. I have had my own students over the years that I am not sure felt the love the way I wanted them to. One of them in particular, whom I adored, really struggled with understanding anyone’s

June 7, 2020 4:15 pm. Monday, April 13th. I arrive home from work after a visit to the Rutland pharmacy. As I climb out of the car I can hear the lads in the backyard hooting and hollering and having a great time. And I smile. Because there is nothing like young sirs living it up to make a momma’s heart happy. I climb the stairs to the kitchen and as I am coming in to the kitchen, Luke is strolling through the patio doors. He is soaked because he has fallen through the ice af

May 17, 2020 A few individuals have crossed my path these past weeks, all of whom are struggling – struggling due to trauma, Covid19, heck, just LIFE. I have offered to help, as one does in these situations, but my services were declined. “I’m fine,” they tell me. “It’s okay.” “I’ll be alright.” And so I go on my way. But I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head, that perhaps this is not the whole truth. Somewhere along the way we have been taught that it is weak or un

From https://sunshineangelsandrainbows.com/2020/05/11/a-little-monday-pick-me-up/ Sheri Roaf #childloss #Loss

This weekend is SO hard for me. I’ve lost my mom and my son. Add to that the snow, a pandemic, some murder hornets and by golly this is shaping up to be an explosion of anxiety and emotion! What a weird year to be alive. It’s truly hard to try to stay present too with everything going on. Things seem to change from moment to moment, facts are no longer facts until they are again and the entire world is feeling the weight of the chaos happening right now. I keep saying it’s a

Ah, Mother’s Day… for those of us who have lost a child or lost a mother… it is no easy day. But this year, I made an intentional choice to focus on what I HAVE instead of what I am missing. And friends, I have a lot. I like to think about all the people in my life who have loved and nurtured me… like a good mom would…. like my mom did. As the old adage says, it takes a village. I have had teachers, bosses, and friends of the family who have encouraged me, and supported me, a

I feel like all I do lately is cry. Lots of tears of frustration. Plenty of tears of fear. But just so much stuff rising to the surface. So many familiar feelings. By Sheri Roaf https://sunshineangelsandrainbows.com/?wref=bif #bereavedmothers #childloss #Loss

May 3, 2020 Today I was the kickoff speaker for the Walk Out of the Darkness event at Sutton High School. I was incredibly honored to have been asked to share my story with folks who were walking, many of whom had not been touched by suicide themselves. I had never done anything like this before and I really wanted to get it right. I wanted to talk about Luke and yet still convey a message of Hope. So I wrote my speech and I practiced. And practiced and practiced and practice

Yes, this past Tuesday was the worst. What’s that? You weren’t asking? lol. Well, I am sorry for throwing this bit of information out there, but it’s facts. It is a dreary day, to begin with, obviously, but the COVID situation really amped up the *suckiness* of the moment. (Yes, Google, suckiness is a word. It is the act of being ultimately sucky. Quit underlining it in red, lol.) People were very kind and reached out as best they could that day. There were a few cards and gi

From the Blog Rivers and Roads by Patty Inwood So much time is spent over the course of a life trying to figure out the biggest of the big questions: What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose or destiny? And maybe most important – Why is life worth living? Loss grants you the answer to that question, the answer to all those questions, in that moment when breath leaves your loved one and a hole tears open in your heart. It is Love. To Love and Be Loved is the Why behind

I couldn’t figure out what to write about this week. After all, everyone is up to their elbows in thoughts about TP and Covid-19. Did I really want to add to their sorrows? NO THANKS. So, I hemmed and I hawed, and by this morning, I thought I had a clue. I sat down to write, but just then John rose from a deep sleep (ahem, thank you Dudeks, lol) and decided he needed fresh air and a brisk game of disc golf. Barre Falls is our favorite spot to do this, so away we went! We pass

I am having a hard time putting into words what I’ve been feeling the last few days. Anxious is probably a good place to start. Maybe followed by feelings of vulnerability and lack of control. I’ve been feeling exactly how I felt right after the accident and Benny died. It’s hard to even write that because nothing concrete has even happened to trigger these feelings. It’s the not knowing what is next with Covid-19 that is eating away at me. I am struggling. I’m feeling overwh

I have been struggling. The winter is so damn hard for me sometimes. The monotonous days stuck indoors are really hard. As much as I love my children and I love working with my husband, it can all just seem repetitious. I am desperate to feel the sun on my face and spend hours outside. I want to feel grass beneath my toes and watch green leaves sway in a lazy Summer breeze. There’s all this talk about, ‘being your own light,’ which is great and all, but what if you can’t be?